Op-Ed: New Year’s Eve is a worldwide logic-free zone

“I was thinking I drank too much last New Year’s. Then I decided to stop thinking.”

– W.C. Fields

Most holidays have some spiritual or historical significance or have an ancient tradition attached to a theme that justifies festive activities. Halloween evolved from the ancient Celtics at the end of the harvest season to a day of costumes and trick-or-treating. St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated in Ireland as the birthday of St. Patrick. Yet everyone in America is Irish on St Patrick’s Day. They eat corn beef and cabbage; wash it down with a Guinness dressed in green. Many eat Mexican food, bust a piñata or sip a Corona on Cinco De Mayo, a Mexican celebration of their victory over the French.

But Dec. 31 doesn’t commemorate a religious event or special time in America. Dawning funny hats and cloths to go party where nobody knows anybody; or getting drunk and kissing the person next to you at 12.01 a.m. is dumb. And waking up in bed the next day with a stranger and a hangover is worse. Acting like a fool just because December is turning into January makes about as much sense as putting on your glad rags to watch you neighbor pour a new cement driveway.

In many countries around the globe, New Year’s is attached to some ancient tradition. But in the U.S. it has become amateur night where people yell, cry, fight, pass out and make out with perfect strangers and get a pass. Americans waste an entire night of their lives doing stupid, risqué things that Chuck Barris would not allow to take place on the infamous Gong Show. “Just because I sang ‘Take this job and shove it’ when you canceled my show, that was no reason to gong me! Wow!”

Many things done in other parts of the world that were done in the past and still done today are very odd. And some are as strange and farcical as what we do in America every New Year’s Eve.

In ancient Mesopotamia around 2000 B.C., their king was brought before a statue of god Marduk and stripped naked. A high priest would drag him around by his ears to make him cry. The royal tears he shed were a sign that Marduk was happy with him as king and he could rule another year.

In ancient Rome, January was named after the two-faced Janus, the god of beginning and of change. Janus looked back at the old every New Year. People would give gifts to strangers and wished them luck and celebrated. But looking ahead, Romans had to work twice as hard that day since Janus would not reward idleness in the coming year. Does that really sound like a holiday?

Egyptian New Year is celebrated when Sirius, the brightest star, becomes visible before the Nile overflows, which fertilizes the farmlands. They drink so much it was named “Festival of Drunks.”

“While they imbibe at the joy of the flooding, others damn it a curse from the gods.”

– Censorinus

In Italy on New Year’s, they have a kissing marathon. They believe this will make them more fertile in the coming year. Others gather old things like clothes, furniture, cooking utensils, appliances and dishes and toss them in the street. They get rid of the old junk and make room for the new junk.

In Scotland on New Year’s, they roll fiery barrels through the streets to burn up the old year. Their good luck depends on if the first person who knocks Jan. 1 has a dark mop of colored hair. Nobody has mentioned what is in store for them if someone who has light hair shows up first.

In Chile, the New Year is ushered in at the graves of the deceased. At 11 p.m., a local mayor opens the cemetery gate so people can place candles and flowers on relatives’ graves. They think this will give them a longer, healthy life since their loved ones won’t be lonesome and make them join them.

Panamanians burn stuffed animals of famous business tycoons and politicians. This symbolizes the departure of the old year, which takes the problems caused by the businesses and politicians with it. Bells ring and cars honk all night as the people get roaring dunk while watching the fires turn into ashes.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

– Henny Youngman

If you are hoping to find a mate, you will enjoy the Irish New Year tradition. On Dec. 31, if you place mistletoe under your pillow at night this will bring you luck finding a lover. Parents do this every year to get their kids married and out of the house. It’s considered more romantic putting it in bed.

Brazilians throw white flowers into the ocean to the Goddess of the Sea. Of course, other offerings are accepted as well. Some examples include: lipstick, jewelry, perfume, and almost any objects of female vanity. They feel the more beautiful she feels, the better luck she will give them next year.

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”

– Robert Paul

On New Year’s Eve in The Philippines, they dress up in polka dots, eat round fruits and fill their pockets with coins. They think this will bring them luck and wealth in the coming year. According to superstition, the more round shapes you have on you the more prosperous you will be next year.

In Columbia, people pack suitcases and, at midnight, step outside their homes and run around the block with their luggage to be safe traveling in the New Year. They return home and open up every window to air out all last year’s bad air and let the new air in to start the New Year fresh and clean.

While we laugh at the dumb New Year’s traditions around the world, they are having a good laugh at us as the “dropping capital of the world.” There are more than 250 recorded “object droppings” last count around the U.S. on New Year’s. This includes everything from the Idaho Potato Drop to the Mt. Olive New Year’s Eve Pickle Drop in North Carolina to the world’s biggest hunk of bologna in Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

“Too much of anything is bad, but too much champagne is just right.”

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

How can a one-day change in the calendar inspire so much insanity all around the world? Why do we count the minutes until we can put our painful memories in the past? And why are we drinking our way into a hopeful future at the stroke of midnight? Why is New Year’s Eve a lunatic “logic-free zone” for so many people to do stupid things once a year? Why do people talk about what they should do, what they plan to do, what they ought to do, but none of that is what they will not do?

Simply because one night on the calendar has its boundaries, but human stupidity is limitless.

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us “for everything there is a season.” New Year’s Eve is a season that permits the world to cease moving on its normal axis so people can do things they would not think of doing any other time of the year. It is a space in time that people can’t wait for and regret it happened at all. It is amateur night at every party in the world and everyone believes they are the winner of the grand prize. It’s when everyone can be on the Gong Show and not meet the fate of the dreaded fateful Gong!

“The Gong Show was a stage where the best of the worst acts performed so all of America could laugh at them. Every show was insane. It was a New Year’s party every day on TV.”

– Chuck Barris

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